My heart is breaking. I dont know what to do. When you hear about this happening to other people, you imagine its bad, so bad, but empathy cant even begin to relate to the sheer horror of losing your parent. Its like falling through a dark hole and not being able to find stable ground, and like being in a nightmare and seeing someone suffering, but you can’t do anything because your hands and feet are bound. Its like that and so much worse…and every moment is different. Its shopping for clothing for her funeral at her favorite places, getting your hair cut just how she liked it, but then realizing shes not there to like it, to admire it, and that its all been in vain.

My mother had this great smile. What was better was her crazy, maniacal laugh that was near-infectious. The smile was a little deceiving, you see, as she was a great saleswoman in life and it would be the first gun she’d whip out to try and get the sale. Though she worked as a real estate developer, she was also very much involved in all sorts of Lithuanian organizations her whole life, and the smile was key to raising funds, making contacts, and entertaining. But as only those close to her knew, if you got that laugh, well, it was about the most genuine gift she could give you. It was pure, unadulterated vulnerability, and you couldn’t help but love her for sharing it with you. My sister and I would work really hard to get her to laugh like that…I personally think it was my life’s goal at times.

A friend who does energy work (reiki) told me that when she was treating my mother in her last days, she was trying to get her to laugh because it raises her vibrational energy to help heal. Essentially, laughter is the best medicine. When I look at these pictures, no matter how low-down drag-out depressed I am, I start to smile, maybe even laugh a little, and suddenly, its like the sun in the middle of a rainstorm. I even start to laugh when I think about the reason my mom was laughing so hard in these shots. She was apparently dragging the pointer over our nostrils while on Skype video chat and trying to “tickle” us. She found it sooo amusing even though she only let us onto her little joke after she nearly collapsed on the floor from her own laughter.

I’m sad now because Im afraid that I will forget this small detail about her, and a whole range of others over time. From the bad (bastardizing classic phrases- “Let it go-It’s bridge under the water!”) to the good (her mama smell- mint gum and Jovan musk), I don’t want to forget a thing. But people, like history, get forgotten to be able to move on, to heal, to continue to live. My father told me he grapples with believing that the essence of a person- their creativity, their soul- just disappears. Where does it go after having worked so long to be cultivated and developed for such a long time? Here’s hoping a part of that essence lives in the laughter of all the people she shared hers with. And here’s also hoping that every time I feel a tickle to my nostril, I won’t resist the urge to giggle.

http://www.litnews.lt/litnews/interview.htm

I just got the e-copy of an interview I did for LitNews, an English-language paper about Lithuania. They did a feature story about me and my influences, specifically relegated to my Lithuanian family and upbringing. It was such a fun interview, and their star writer, Deimante Doksaite, really was a pleasure to work with. If you’re into it, and will allow me to toot my own horn, click on the link above and have a read!

Artwork by Milda Bublys.
Copyright and usage of this image only permissible by Milda Bublys.

Madison Square Park, New York City.

I did… and all the coffee in the world won’t help me today. But if i could transport myself to Ninth Street Coffee, I’d have one of those dreamy cups of bliss. Its like coffee, but for heaven.

Having rounded the corner, still buzzing after seeing Bradley Cooper exit his movie trailer on Madison Avenue, I started to really wonder if I was dreaming. I took a turn down a street somewhere in the east 70’s, and came across this random GINORMOUS foot sitting perched on a wooden box frame in from of a townhouse.

I suddenly realized something was afoot.

I mean, this situation clearly stank.

Ok, ok, that’s it.

I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth…..

stills from A Room with a View, starring Helena Bonham Carter and Daniel-Day Lewis.

If you’ve ever spent any real time in Firenze, a still like this, which spends a whole ten seconds burning itself into your memory, will leave you simultaneously breathless and heartbroken (for not being there this very second). If you’ve never seen this movie, and have given up having actually trying to chew your way through E.M. Forster’s novel, I highly recommend pouring yourself a large glass of Chianti and letting Calgon take you away…..

This is one of the many famous Merchant-Ivory films that launched Helena Bonham Carter. She reportedly hated being portrayed as this dainty and frail porcelain ingenue. As we know now, she has a really cool, magical, creepy side to her (cue real-life love Tim Burton), but I still relish her in this movie all the same. Maybe its my Italy-addition, but it seems so much better sprinkled in english Victorian-era sensibility. Here’s a beautifully lit scene with her and Daniel-Day Lewis, who plays her pansy fiancee.

Did you know he worked as a cobbler in Florence after this movie? This from People.com’s archives:

“But around the end of 1998 Day-Lewis took a curious detour, when he became fascinated by the art of shoemaking. “I can understand his love of it,” says John Lobb Jr., whose shoemaker father first gave Day-Lewis a glimpse of their work at their venerable London studio. “It’s a craft that involves working with your hands, and that’s so rare these days.”

Inspired by the visit, Day-Lewis went to order footwear at the Florence shop run by the master shoemaker Stefano Bemer and ended up returning daily to study the craft and take on such tasks as stitching. “He always walked with his shoulders hunched a bit, looking at the floor,” says Leonardo Tozzi, a fellow apprentice. “He was very serious.” The store prizes the only pair of shoes Day-Lewis completed: lace-ups that normally sell for $1,800. “He did beautiful work,” says Tozzi. “

And of course, I am beyond in love with her curly ‘do in this picture, can’t  you just imagine the fun in donning it while thundering away at the piano in this salon?

Goldie Hawn in Cactus Flower

How can you not love her beautiful tears in this still? I’ve been watching Netflix.com all week- catching up on old and foreign fashion-based movies and am completely in love with Goldie in this movie. The story revolves around this young record shopgirl who is in love with a supposedly married man played by Walter Matthau. Yeah, I couldn’t get Grumpy Old Men out of my mind either. The premise is a trip, as the leading man is a bit of a cad, and still gets the girl. Geez, the things our mothers had to deal with in their generation.

In the opening scene, Goldie’s character, who is heartbroken by said cad, decides to stick her head in the oven. I know its kinda sick to say, but doesn’t she just look fabulous doing it?

Don’t worry, its a light-hearted comedy, not serious, as of course, she gets rescued here by a cute neighbor. But being heartbroken never looked so good! Also, Im obsessed with her hair here. Wish I had a pink nightie. I bet me and my new ginge mane could pull it off….

This lovely memaw really brought the party in this wedding scene from Columbia Pictures’s “Julie & Julia“. It was a 30 second love affair with her hat which leaves me desiring to take a millinery course again. I mean, a hat this style this would cover up my hair sleep-spot entirely!

And, can I tell you how much more I am truly, madly, deeply in it with Meryl Streep??? I know, I know, its like saying, “Jesus is sorta awesome, have you heard of him?” But so many times I was truly breathless at her performance. I mean, one of the first restaurant scenes with Stanley Tucci, when she takes a bite of her dish and she is a complete mess over how gorgeous it tastes- it just killed me. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard- this is the feeling food elicits in me, too, Meryl!

If you’re one of the last peeps to see it like I am, run, don’t walk- to order it here.

Bon Apetit!!!

Moi with S&M necklace, featured at art opening at Factory Fresh, Brooklyn.

One of S&M’s necklaces sold this weekend, cutely dubbed the “Madonna” Necklace by the shop’s owner. Get yours before they all sell out.

Dusty Buttons

440 east 9th street at Avenue A

New York City

Blog: http://dustybuttons.blogspot.com

Website: http://www.dustybuttons.com/

artist(s) unknown, F.I.T. women's bathroom wall, NYC

"Winter Wonderland"

Last night I dreamt of a whole group of children, in their summer best, frolicking in the snow. It was so strange…they weren’t cold, but somehow, the snow wasn’t melting, and they were just rolling around, making snow angels and enjoying themselves. This reverie made me start to really itch about far-away, magical places. Upon visiting the Paris Apartment blog here, I was led to Escapade, which showed me images straight from my dreams….

On the most recent frigid trip I took to the North Pole (read: Lithuania), I came across this exhibit, a collection of Queen Victoria-era clothing. Here are some the details of frocks that delight my eyeballs everytime I glance upon them (click to enlarge each pic):

I sorta want to just live in the above 2 items. I live for these details.

…and who doesn’t need a creepy portrait of a demon-child and scepter for around the house? Hmm??

Some frocks for da’ club? Your closet awaits…..

All seen here.

Eye-Butter.

I can’t remember what I was Googling, but this lovely fash site came up. Coco has a keen eye for high-end fashion and a distinctive style that shows off in this blogger’s layout and punchy logo above.  Her recurring “Hit-Miss- So-So” posts are my faves:

Visit the House of Coco by clicking here.

image courtesy lolitas.se

And a delicious Monday to you, too, dear sir…..

I had to do some thinking this week, and what I seem to forget sometimes is that there is this little crop of earth in the center of this dense strip of buzzing activity that is instantly calming to me. On my walk thru Central Park, I look pictures of the beauty that surrounds me every moment, but rarely get a chance to really pull back the veil and see.

Rainbows danced on water as the sun dove to the west over the fountain by the Apple store on 5th avenue. I looked for the pot of gold, but alas, some tricky leprechaun made off with it already. Damn green men- they get faster closer to St. Patty’s day.

The glittery rocks from Labyrinth exposed their slippery, iridescent color as the setting sun reflected against the sharp formations rising from the spongy earth. But the most beautiful were the trees- reaching out, soaring up, each branch and twig kissing the sky, releasing their energy skyward, swaying softly with the spring-kissed air. They reminded me again that there is hope in the world, and sometimes, all you have to do is throw your arms up into the air and open yourself up to it.

What is it about a little fluffernutter like my Sam that will melt your heart? Even more adorable than the entirety of cuteoverload.com!

P.S. I have now officially changed his name to Samuel L. Snackson.

P.P.S.  And, I am aware of what a Q-Tip-headed, mock-turtleneck-holiday-sweater-wearing, Twilight-lovin’, park-ranger-as-my volunteer-job-lookin’ cat blogger I am. Trust, I am appreciating my own irony.

image courtesy www.drunkenstepfather.com

…you dress like this. Go home, Amber Rose. We really don’t need to see anymore of your ridick.

Image courtesy Style.com, fabulosity courtesy Mr. Lagerfeld for Chanel Couture.

Dating sucks. Which is why when this Liberace-glam knight sashayed down the Spring Couture runway for Chanel, I said to myself, I want to go to there. It’s like the glitter fairy descended upon my dreams and decided I must have this trussed-up Tin Man. Mitts off, ladies.

Vilnius, Lithuania

Gates, like doors, are also portals to buildings- homes, places of worship, offices, etc. They are meant to instill reverence, fear and intimidation, awe, or delicate beauty as you pass through them. In Vilnius, they are often made of masonry or iron, adorned with frescoes and curled metal symbols, and only hint at the secrets that lie within.

West Village, NYC, West 4th subway stop.

Advertising courtesy DIESEL.

Stupidity courtesy New Yorkers.

My existential statement on urban behaviour exhibited while riding our odious subway system. And other smart sounding stuff here.